37 Things: Part 1
“Walking off today’s thick anxiety in new rainbow shoes. Because I’m a mess and I’m also clinging to joyful life with every scrap of my being. Because I’m falling apart and coming back together again all at once. Because anxiety freaking sucks and I want to be free. Because life is so much more than worry. Because I’ve made it through so much and I’m not done yet.”
Today I turned 37.
I’m deep-breath grateful for a good night of sleep and lower anxiety today, because lately . . . whew, lately. Life’s been a lot. If you’re in my Patreon flock or you follow me on social media, you may know I’ve been struggling with intense panic attacks and insomnia.
With the help of my first-ever prescription for anxiety meds, more intentional self-care/soul-care, and much help from family (particularly my husband and beloved mom), I’m on much firmer ground than I was a few weeks ago. But honestly, it still feels as if the world could shift under my feet any moment.
Several years ago, I started a tradition of making myself a gift each year for my birthday. I’ve created special handcrafted items, painted myself artwork, and more. It’s a meaningful way to re-connect with my self/soul, especially when I’m feeling lost. This year, though? I’m just glad to be out of bed. And feeling much better, at the moment.
A few days ago, though, I was following my son Maverick (4.5-year-old) around our neighborhood loop and an idea drifted into my thoughts like a golden leaf dropping to the ground.
37 Things.
What are 37 things that are saving me right now, moment by moment? Here and now.
It’s easy for me to collect worries right now. Anxiety is readily available. But gathering the good, making a specific list of things that are saving me in these difficult days? Simple, doable things I can cling to when I’m struggling?
Yes please.
I thought I’d share my list here with you, in two parts, in case you’re inspired to write your own. My list is by no means comprehensive, and in no particular order—honestly, I had to remind myself not to edit or judge anything I wrote (hello, more anxiety). Nothing is too “small” or simple for this list. And I can always add more. (In fact, anxiety had me worrying I wouldn’t be able to reach 37, because anxiety always needs something to chew on.)
This is just a start. Maybe that’s the whole point.
Another day, even a month from now—my list might look totally different.
We keep saving ourselves, over and over. Choice by choice. Moment by moment. We get through and keep going, however we can.
Join me? No judging. Whatever comes to mind. Just write. Nothing is too small or big.
37 Things Saving Me
Good sleep after days (endless, aching nights) of insomnia
Morning routines, including: meds
Morning routine — light a candle (right now, lemon mandarin)
Morning routine — plug in twinkle lights
Morning routine — turn to my art journal, at least for a few moments (of course, Mav needs tending all through this, but I’m more intentional now about answering my own needs as well)
Water, all day long
Dressing myself in beauty armor (I lost this for so long—depression, necessity; when Mav was younger he’d grab my earrings and pull; he’d want my bracelets on him, little beads flying when he tugged it from my wrist. I also had to wear special, easier clothing for nursing . . . then, only clothes that could get ruined by ketchup hands and playing in the dirt. Now, I’ll risk a stain so I can wear something that feels more like the inner me, coming back to the outside after hiding out so long)
Speaking of which . . . hello, new rainbow shoes! Such a gift to find these so easily, and on sale, after years of struggling to find anything that fits (post pregnancy foot spread), let alone something that brings me joy (I had to release my beloved collection that no longer fit—including hot pink combat boots, sky blue Chucks, and more—painful!). So—rainbow shoes waiting on the shelf—and they fit with ease? Yes please! I will walk through these days with determined joy on my feet
Baking mug cakes with Maverick this morning for my birthday, making magic with his special red whisk
Vanilla chai + caramel creamer (even though I crave coffee—right now, my gut doesn’t like it)
Belly laughs with Jason, tears in my eyes, and gasping, “No, no, I’m gonna pee!”
Mav’s saying, “I live you. Because if we’re living, I love you”
Rich, vibrant, luscious color—everywhere, anywhere. My clothing. Fingernail polish on anxiously chewed nails. Fallen leaves peeking out under the snow. Oil pastels, smeared across the page and staining my fingers. Hot pink + orange paint, rolled under my brayer
Adventuring with my magic mama and Maverick in the Black Hills, especially before the snow flew, and the golden leaves still surrounded us. Our magic forest stream, just steps away from the road, but a world away in peace. Breathing more deeply in pine-scented air, shuffling our feet through multi-color leaves
I’ll be back soon to share the second half of my list.
In the meantime . . . will you join me? Write your own list of life-savers, even if you don’t show anyone else. Share a few in our comments, or keep them all private. Either way, I believe writing a list of these life-saving things—whatever is saving us, here and now—can help us find our footing when we’re struggling.
What’s working? What isn’t?
I’ll see you next time.
